i've been avoiding this.

I've been avoiding this post---i don't know why---yes i do...because i've been in a place of avoidance in life---and a place where i've been freaking out and not trusting. I think it all started when things didn't go exactly the way i thought God was leading me, and i ended up living in Denton for no reason other than I'm closer to church and I get my own room.

Since then, I've gone over and over in my head why God would have me here, and what in the heck I'm doing with my life----not to mention being mad at God for not making things exactly the way i wanted them. So, put that with not really knowing anyone in Denton aka---lots of time to myself---that equation, a few months ago would have led me to seeking the Lord further and knowing that there had to be something going on that was soooo much bigger than me----but when you put that with being mad at God, you get me-stressing, sitting in front of the tv a lot, attempting to seek the Lord, but not really, and basically avoiding life in general.----yeah, i know...not good.
The last month and a half, excluding the past week or 2, has probably been one of the darkest times I've experienced in my walk with the Lord. I felt empty and alone. Like a lost child. I felt like I was being spiritually attacked, and still think I was; and to a certain extent, still am. Every time I would try to read my Bible and pray; there would be nothing...;and because of that, i didn't journal as much---there are huge gaps between entries---which is never a good sign for me--a daily journaler.

It's just funny the way God works. I grew so much with the Lord last year...so much. --and I guess I thought that on the "faith scale" I was pretty high up there---and then, like a slap in the face, one little thing didn't turn out the way i wanted it, and so long faith and trust. Crazy how God shows us so simply sometimes, what wretched sinners we are, and so in need of His grace. Oh praise the Lord for his grace!!
I just smirk at my stupidity now. It's just crazy to me how something this little could throw me off so much. It's all been driven by fear. It's crazy how fear can just grab a hold and paralyze you. It's like when someone who is so afraid of heights just freezes on a bridge because they're so scared. I think i just froze in life. I didn't want to go backwards, but I didn't want to go forward either; so staying still was my only option. I was afraid of what God did, and what he's going to do in the future; and how much that might cost.---ahhhhh it's so funny how pride and idolatry are the root of all sin---because there they are again---in the non willingnes to surrender. What is this cycle? I pray that by the grace of God, he slowly sanctifies me and brings me out of it! Thank you Jesus for your amazing grace!

Through this time, I've read Psalm 86 like a bazillion times---and I'm just going to type it out, because it is amazing and i love it.

"Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Preserve my life, for i am godly; save your servant, who trusts in you-- you are my God. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for to you do I cry all the day. Gladden the soul fo your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace. In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me. There is none like you among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like yours. All the nations you have made shall come and worship before you, O Lord, and shall glorify your name. For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name. I give thanks to you, O Lord my God with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever. For great is your steadfast love toward me; you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol." ~Psalm 86:1-13~

If you made it all the way to the end of this; i am very proud. Thanks for listening, and I love you all :)